Drag inspired makeup!

So anyone who knows me will know how much I am into RuPaul’s drag race and all things drag related! It has a huge influence on my life with its creativity and the way it teaches those to love themselves!

I decided to use this influence to do an inspired makeup look on my Youtube channel which I hope people enjoy.

You are perfect.

Why is it we are all programmed to hate our own bodies? This was a question I suddenly found myself asking after I’d just spent 15 minutes standing in front of my mirror inspecting my skin, curves, bumps, limbs; picking on every single flaw and trying to conjure up solutions for them.

My thighs are too big – I’ll work extra hard on legs at the gym from now on

My stomach isn’t flat enough- Better start doing more sit ups and running

Why isn’t my hair growing fast enough?- Better put on another hair mask tomorrow

These are just a few things from my list of things I wish I could change about myself. At least twice I day I catch myself thinking, longing to be skinnier. If only I was skinnier and smaller. As if weighing any less is going to fix all of my problems. And I will admit I’m not particularly fat. I may not be skinny but I am not considered ‘large’. But that doesn’t stop me looking in my reflection and hating what I see. Then I start to think, what went so wrong? I can remember a time where I was perfectly fine with how I looked in terms of my body. When did I change and become so insecure? But then, I know it’s not just me. Pretty much any girl can reel off a list of parts they hate about themselves and their body if you ask them.

So now I am asking, why are we made to believe we must all have flaws and things we can’t like? What right does anyone or the media have to teach young girls that they can’t love every aspect of their body? You’ve all heard the phrase ’embrace your flaws’ but now I am asking, what makes us call them flaws? What defines a ‘flaw’. Because I would consider it something that is less than perfect and frankly, I don’t believe any part of anyone is less than perfect. We are given one body and goddamn, we should treasure it and treat it like a God. Not stand in the mirror and cry because there’s a little too much love handle or not enough boob or abs. We all deserve so much better.

But will little ol’ me make any difference just with this little ol’ blog post? Of course not. Even I will wake up tomorrow morning and inspect myself in the mirror, declaring to myself once again that I need to go back to the gym because I hate how my stomach has a little too much chub on. The real issue here is why do people have to make posts and articles and videos on this topic? It’s a shame that society has been so fucked up by the media that nobody feels comfortable to fully love themselves.

It is your body. Every single part of it is perfect because every single part of it is unique to you. By all means, look after yourself to stay healthy. But don’t feel as if you need to stare into a mirror everyday and pick out things to change.

I’m writing this because I firmly believe everyone needs to hear that and I wish I had someone to tell me. Instead I am telling myself and everyone who is reading this; Love yourself. That is all anyone ever needs to do. Because you are absolutely perfect just the way you are. 

How do you recognise yourself?

Good evening friends of the internet.

I feel like I’ve put this issue off my entire life (granted I’ve only had 20 years of it so far), but I feel like now is the right time for me to discuss this topic. It’s something which I have only just come to acknowledge despite the fact it has affected my studies, relationships and friends for many years now. Like many others out there, I actually didn’t realise that this was a real thing; I just thought I was incredibly slow at discovering who I was, though deep down I always felt slightly out of place- never quite fitting in with anyone at all.

Essentially, what I am talking about here is a lack of self. It hasn’t been recently officially diagnosed by a doctor per say, but over the years I have seen just a few(lol) counselors, therapists, psychologists, who have briefly touched on the subject, almost gently letting me in on the fact I might be stuck not knowing who the fuck I am for pretty much, my entire life. But I was young at the time and it never particularly registered in my mind; I was too busy focusing on not letting depression kill me. And I just didn’t focus on it until very recently (past few months perhaps), when I started to become extremely confused and, to put it simply, lost. I’m struggling to decide where to begin or where to focus this post because I think this is the most personal I have ever gotten. Even when I discussed my mental health, many of my close friends and family know about that so it wasn’t as scary for me to put out there, if that makes much sense. Whereas, nobody is aware about any of this. Because it confused me. Most people already found me boring, I didn’t want to confirm to everyone that I was in fact, extremely boring. I’ll start at the beginning to make this somewhat coherent.

From even a young child, looking back, I was always very muddled with the things I used to enjoy, this involved hobbies, music, etc. In middle school I took part in various clubs such as cross-stitch, hockey, baking, gymnastics, and many more. But quite frankly, I don’t remember enjoying any of them. But my friends were in them and therefore I just joined as well. I never had any interests of my own as a young child that I can recall. I was always, for a long time, trying too hard just to be different. I wanted to be unique and myself but I had no clue who ‘myself’ was (not that anyone did at the age of 11/12). I went through a ‘goth’ phase. I wore all black, white face makeup and raccoon mimicking eyeliner. I looked ridiculous but I just wanted people to look at me and think I was ‘cool’ for just being me. It was just too important for me to be ‘unique’. It was around this time I started self-harming. I was young and naive and didn’t even understand why I was doing it; all I knew was that it made me feel good. I had friends but they were very unreliable and circumstances changed a lot. People became bored of me just as quick as they became interested. When I look back now, I think I started self-harming as another way to try and be someone different. Because 11 year old me was stupid. But also, I think it distracted me from a sadness deep down that no-one really liked me much and that I appeared ‘different’ but I still felt so out of step, almost alien-like in my own skin.

Growing up, I always felt the need to be heard. I needed to be noticed, not by the popular kids per say, but just by others. I hated being on my own, blending into the background. I almost craved attention from my friends because if people accepted me, I felt less crazy and less empty. Everything I did was molded by those I was friends with. The type of music I listened to was defined by friends, if they liked baking- so did I. If they had a certain style of writing or drawing- I’d try to copy that. If they dressed a certain way- I’d try to style myself that way as well. It was never one person and it was never purposely copied. I simply, somehow, managed to blend all of my friends interests into one. It was all I could think to do to make people like me. Of course I had my own characteristics; humor, kindness, loyal, bit ditsy. I just never could particularly place my finger on things I enjoyed and to this day, I still can’t.

I think, having problems coping with depression my entire childhood screwed up my sense of self. You see, it is pretty difficult to figure out who you are and what you want to be when you’re in bed everyday, unable to gather the energy to go out, addicted to various pills. My depression defined me a bit too much.

Over many, many years I have had a lot of different clothing styles, hair colours and cuts. I’ve gone from goth to wearing floral skirts, to tomboy and then back to vests and skirts to crop tops and a short goth phase again to ‘fashionable clothing’. My hair colour has changed more often than I can remember and I’ve cut it into ridiculous styles, shaved parts off, gotten extensions and even worn wigs.And I’ve always put it down to the fact I have no idea who I am. Do I like short hair? Do I like long hair? Do I like my hair natural colour or bright coloured? Genuinely, I have no idea. Today I like my long, dark brown hair but tomorrow I may wake up wanting bright blue, short hair. I spent my childhood copying styles around me and now, I end up switching my style almost everyday. But I don’t have any favourites.

I’m at university. But I don’t know whether I enjoy the course. I’m apparently good at it but do I enjoy it? Some days I do. Then others, I want to become a beautician. Or a video maker and editor. Or the day after that I want to be a lab scientist. My decisions change everyday and I honestly, can’t picture myself happy in any job or career in the future because I change too quickly. In fact, when I try to look ahead to the future, I find it incredibly difficult to picture myself happy in any way; how can I ever be happy when I don’t know what actually makes me happy?

Something which seemingly comes hand-in-hand with a lack of self, is something called derealisation or depersonalisation. I personally feel like this for me, was triggered and brought on by my anxiety growing so severe over the previous months. I’m not going to go into it here because it still confuses me sightly as I am very new to this and I am still figuring this out myself. But what I will say is it is the most bizarre sensations I have ever felt in my life; it’s son like anything I have ever experienced. It’s so much more than just ‘zoning out’. I can almost feel myself entirely detach from my own mind because sometimes I feel like I cannot cope within a anxious or stressful situation. People around me are there but they don’t feel real anymore, almost like I am a ghost. Sometimes it can be a calming feeling; mostly it just freaks me out a little.

To most, this post won’t make much sense, it may seem like a minor thing. Someone may read it and think “how ridiculous. She just needs to ‘find herself'”, but I can assure you, I am 20 years old, still confused at the concept of knowing myself, but I am continuously trying to ‘find myself’ because I hate the admit I might need to see a doctor. The problem is, with every passing day I grow unhappier, more confused, and more hateful towards my own body because it’s so hard to describe and recognise myself. Knowing oneself is such a major thing when you have no idea where to start.

Exciting news New journey!!

Hi friends! Terribly sorry for the long break.. a lot happened- too much to go into on a post at 2am, so I won’t bore you all just yet!

I just wanted to let you know of some exciting news and that is I have finally started up a YouTube channel for myself after months and years of wanting to! And I want to share it with you all! And I’d be forever grateful if you’d check it out? My first video is me with my two guy friends who happen to be gay, doing my makeup. It was a laugh, I’ll leave it at that! And I’m hoping that if enough people enjoy my stuff I’ll make regular videos.. because frankly, I miss filming and editing stuff! The link for my channel is below:

https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCHuLfCkN0y24qeMXs2rQOCA

I hope you’re all having a lovely day and you’re happy and healthy!

Lots of love,

Violet 

(Although if you watch my video you’ll now know my name is not actually violet

Whoops)

Xo

Will I make it to my island?

Good evening, friends…

Yes okay, it’s not the evening, it’s 1:40am. But surely you all know me by now to not expect my posts at a responsible hour of the day. This past week in particular, my sleeping pattern has just been completely skewed. By that I mean I haven’t been able to sleep until 4am each day, which isn’t incredibly helpful when I have work and even more university work to complete by a fast-upcoming deadline (I’m not panicking about that at all). I’d be naive if I told you I had no idea why I haven’t been sleeping; I guess I just have an awful lot on my mind at this current moment in time and I simply can’t help myself from worrying and going over it all at 2am, when I should be tucked up, dreaming sweet dreams. And tonight is no different. 

If I’m being completely honest, I got sick of laying in bed, feeling my heart beat against my chest; threatening to self-combust. Sometimes it beats so hard I am nearly convinced I can feel it against my ribs, as if my heart is forcibly knocking to be released – like it’s trapped in a cage. 

Tonight, I don’t have the strength to experience that and end up with a headache from anxiety; so I decided to take my mind off it and pour my creative juices into a blog post.

Essentially, I’ve been craving creativity the past week or so. A couple of years ago I used to shoot short films and music videos myself and then edit them into something worth watching. That was back when I was in college and I had equipment to borrow. I present myself as a very academic person most of the time and so a lot of people don’t know but I’m also a very creative person. I used to draw and put together my own comic books, posters and canvas paintings. I love to write stories and songs and play them (even if I cannot sing extremely perfectly)! Most of all, I miss all these things. I was always proud to tell people that I considered myself an artist. Always, I’d used to think, “I am Violet, and I am an artist”. Somehow, this was lost along my University struggle. I lost my technique and forgot all about my creativity. There’s a part of me that’s withering away and drying up; I worry that if it is left it’ll die forever and I’ll regret it.

I used to want to be an illustrator. Sometimes I think I still want to be. I used to want to be a cameraman (woman). I want to be free to explore my talents further, instead I feel almost trapped in a narrow degree I may not excel at. It’s like I’m a young bird, ready to fly the nest, not quite sure where to fly to but eager to get going all the same. Throughout my entire life my mind has been in a constant battle between following my creative path versus the academic path; I enjoy both and that is where my issue lies. 

Laying here, in the dark, Placebo filling the scary silence, I almost wonder whether there’s something wrong with me- maybe something is actually broken deep within my brain. How is it that everyone else I know gets to know exactly what they want with their life, on track, grabbing it with both hands and enjoying their work? While I’m in the corner, mind a blur, room spinning and I can’t control a single damn thing. Life just keeps spiralling out of control and I can’t quite grasp it yet- no matter how hard I reach.  Instead, I just feel very small, very insignificant, and very alone. Almost like I am in the middle of an ocean, in a tiny, tiny rowing boat and there’s no way of knowing whether I will survive or not. 

Does anyone else actually feel like this as well? I’m told most people just pretend they know precisely what they are doing with their lives but if that is the case then I believe everyone could go into an acting career because they are very convincing. 

Will the Ocean suck me up or will I find an island to thrive on? Who knows. But in the meantime, I guess I’ll just do my best to survive. 

Over and out.

Xo Violet.

The world is too expensive for us right now

Okay, can we talk about something which has been bugging and frustrating me for a little while now. I have just stepped away and completed working out my tight finances and I am left with a terrifying thought- My student loan will not cover my rent and bills until I move out. This is not an unusual situation however. Many other students are living in disgusting accommodation, complete with moldy walls, rusting appliances and worn down furniture with something new breaking each week. And you’d think well, they’re just living in those types of houses to save some cash, right? You’d be nearly right in thinking that. The truth is however, that those are the only houses within a students budget. But they’re not cheap. Unacceptable living conditions to be renting out but as an average, (where I live, obviously I am not speaking for every town and area), the rent is around £450 a month per student. The less people you live with, generally the higher price you will have to pay.

Now okay, you are sitting there reading this and probably thinking, “Okay so what? Everyone has to pay a lot for housing these days. Get used to it and stop complaining.” and you’d be right. I’m not particularly complaining about the cost of living because, that is life, and everyone must pay it. No, what I am sick of is how students are forced to pay out for overpriced accommodation which is nowhere near its worth. And I’m going to put the question out to you; Where the hell do people expect us to get all this money from? Unless you are fortunate enough to come from a successful family who have the funds to help, most students are thrust out into the scary, grown-up world with not a single penny apart from what they may have saved up (which likely isn’t a lot because I don’t think any teenager is prepared for how demanding University life actually is and no-one ever thinks to warn us!). All any university student can do is work as much as they can alongside studies, which is not, generally, a lot and not enough to live comfortably and stable. Because, believe it or not, studying and learning takes up an awful lot of time. Hence why it is called FULL-TIME EDUCATION. But alas, you’d probably then point out that at least students are kindly given a gracious loan from our fabulous government. Admittedly, this is a help, however (yes, there’s another however) nearly every student I know has worryingly admitted that their loan does not cover what they need to pay their housing rent let alone bills and food as well. They must work all the hours under this goddamn sun just to be able to have a roof over their head while they try and pass a stressful degree. Over the two years I have attended University I have known too many people forced to drop out of their education course and move back home with their parents simply because they could not financially support themselves alone. These days, I seem to find myself sitting up until the early hours of the morning worrying about where I’m going scrape money together just to pay rent for a cold, dark, old hovel. After all that money is used up on rent and general bills, where is the extra for food? Or for university supplies such as books, which generally cost about £50 each? I’ll tell you. There’s none. None left.

I am not even 20 years old and yet my life seems to revolve around where the money is coming from just to survive. Not just 5 minutes ago, I was seen as a child and now suddenly I’m fending for myself with 0 help or guidance? I understand its always been like this. It’s well known that student life is tough and that’s that. But it’s so fucked up. How can we be expected to pay full-price rent on properties when we aren’t in full-time jobs? More and more students are having to leave their education simply because they cannot afford to live and I find this heartbreaking. Kids can’t do what they want to do because they don’t have the funds and neither do their parents, despite the government believing that obviously, every parent has the money to give to their child when they leave. The sad truth is, very few can afford it. And this leaves people with no choice but to drop out and find full-time work instead. It doesn’t strike me as fair. It doesn’t seem right that 18 year old’s, who know nothing about the world because they haven’t even experienced it yet, are thrown out and forced to survive with no proper help.

I’m not stupid, nor ignorant and so I know full well that there are a lot of pressing issues in this gross world nowadays, and perhaps this is not viewed as important by many. But that is why I am writing about it. As a 19 year old, trying to stay afloat in university and really struggling, this is a situation I will not sit and keep quiet about. I refuse to keep my head down when landlords of student houses don’t give a crap enough to even make sure their appliances work before renting their property out, or ensuring that there are no dangerous leaks or pest problems in advance of students moving in It wouldn’t be acceptable on a regular rented property so why is it acceptable for university students?

It’s very easy for people to just laugh and tell me to stop worrying and get on with it. But, coming from someone who has considered dropping out of university, and getting a full-time job just to be able to pay for a small flat and live without worry, it’s frustrating and very upsetting.

I want to just be able to live my life but unfortunately, the world is too expensive for me right now.

So I guess, for the time being, I’ll move back with my parents and hope that somehow, a money tree miraculously grows in our back garden.

xo Violet.